Has anyone got a stamp?

Dear Obsessive Landlady

Thank you for your texts instructing me on various issues. Why let basic pleasantries get in the way of communication? Why bother to pick up the phone and speak to me when you can instead use txt spk to give your orders? Of course your ability to phone me is somewhat limited by you disconnecting the telephone service last week, so it is understandable that you would be too tight to actually phone me on my mobile.

I was somewhat alarmed to get home on Monday night to find that someone had been in the house leaving lights on, had shut the cat in the living room and moved my clothes and other items about in my bedroom. Whilst I have been somewhat perturbed by your actions in the past, I was truly impressed and astounded that, given you live in Cardiff, you must have tidied my room by mere power of thought. Upon inquiring with you I was disappointed and not entirely pleased to learn that it was your 70 year old father who had in fact been in the house. Whilst I understand that certain traits run in the family, I had not realised that your propensity to go through my clothes and underwear had been inherited from your father. Although I am sure you know your father well, I do not and so his having gone through my possessions is not something that I welcome. However, I shall add him to the list of suspects of who may have purloined my top and suit trousers.

I felt that we had made a major break through recently when you at last acknowledged your obsessive nature. However, I feel that we have sunk to a new low in that you are now controlling events from afar. Should I end up in prison for your murder, I will seek inspiration from you by not being limited by either geography or the law in terms of my dealings with the outside world. Prison life may not be much different to now in that my current living conditions mean that I inhabit a room that is 7’ by 8’ and my actions are presided over to the minutest degree. Of course, I will only end up in prison once they have prised the bloodied axe from my hands.

But let me return to that point about the law. There is that little inconvenience known as tenancy law, which I naively believed gave me the right to some notice if you or one of your ‘agents’ wished to seek entry to the property and allows me not to have my own private space invaded just because the landlord wishes I were more tidy. Given that I am 31 years old it is not necessarily surprising that I have more possessions than would normally fit into a cell sized room.

I see that in your judgement I am good enough to look after your cat and clear up its excrement, but I should perhaps point out that ‘judgement’ and ‘being judgmental’ are not the same thing. Might I be so bold as to suggest that your judgement is somewhat impaired whilst your ability to be judgmental is spot on. It is perhaps normal to focus praise on someone’s achievements but in this case I think it is not necessarily something of which to be proud. I might also add that there is a difference between empathy and being a control freak. I will leave you to ponder which of those traits you most ably exemplify.

I am aware that you will be in residence this weekend, which will coincide with me being on holiday. I would ask that you resist the urge to reorganise my possessions as you see fit. However, in anticipation of my return next week I shall sharpen my axe.

Best wishes

RR