Consequences

So, the colleague that I had an argument with sent me a text on Friday morning. It was sort of reconciling “I’d be happy to talk about what happened”, but kind of finger-pointy “personally I found it slightly embarrassing and unprofessional” substitute “you” for “it” and I think we have a more accurate view of what she was thinking. I decided not to respond. Text is not a way to have such discussions. In fact, if she hadn’t texted, it would all have blown over by today. I decided I’d just speak to her about it briefly at work today and we’d move on.

Only things didn’t work out quite that way. Yesterday she totally unexpectedly lost the sight in one of her eyes and is undergoing an emergency operation today to try and restore her vision.

This might indicate my power and the consequences of crossing me. Or it might suggest that the old adage “never go to sleep on your anger” might have some sense to it. I sent her a card today to say that I hoped she gets better soon and, as we won’t see each other before I change jobs on Thursday, saying a few nice things about having worked with her.

But, to be on the safe side, I suggest you don’t cross me.

Progression

I seem to have fallen out with a colleague at work. We are both somewhat opinionated at meetings and whilst often we are in agreement, today I think we both just wound each other up. I was really annoyed and so had to revert to silence to keep my seething to myself. It is very rare that I get really annoyed at work, it is only work after all, so not something that is worth getting upset over, but I was really angry about the way I was spoken to and my views dismissed. We exchanged a goodbye at the end of the day, but that was it really. I am not in work tomorrow. This is probably for the best.

It’s disappointing though because we actually get in very well. It is also my last week in the job next week. I also don’t like to be on bad terms with people. But my annoyance has not subsided as yet.

I’d like to be a nicer person. I’d like to feel that I could get to the end of the day without causing harm to the world around me. But I feel these aspirations are regularly tested and I am coming up short. I would like to think I am a work in progress, but I am not sure in which direction I am progressing.

Rational

I might have said this here before, but over recent months I have been finding commuting anger inducing. The very presence of other people, let alone being crammed onto packed tube trains, can be enough to raise my anger level several degrees.

I suspect I am not alone in this. I think in part it is weather-related, and in part I am just reflecting what other people feel as well, which is a sense of all not being well because of the current economic climate etc (and don’t even get me started on the way that the ConDem Government is systematically destroying this country, which they justify based on economic reasons, but in reality, it is for ideological ones).

I think a lot of it is also about not liking people invading my personal space. However, this is impossible to avoid if you travel on the tube during rush hour. I normally read a book on the tube and try and absorb myself in that to block out the world around me. I could probably achieve this more effectively by listening to music or a talking book, but actually I think this would have a more negative effect. The more I block out the world, when the world does then intrude it is likely to have a bigger impact – and perhaps a bigger reaction from me in response.

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t shout at fellow commuters or trip them up on the escalator. I tend to turn it inwards and seethe inside instead. But this isn’t good. I also know that it is somewhat irrational. It is not my fellow commuters’ job to take care of my wellbeing. Often when people invade my or others’ space it isn’t deliberate or malicious, it is just part of the nature of travelling on a system that about 3 million others also use each day. But as much as I can rationalise it, it doesn’t make the feelings any less real or somehow magic them away.

On Friday, we are going to Lisbon for the weekend. I am hoping that getting away from London for a few days might calm my mood. But I suspect it will just be a brief respite.

Busy

My head still feels very busy. Primarily there are good things going on, so I shouldn’t really complaint. But it all makes my head feel very full.

I have got a new job. Someone phoned me up and said they had a job for me if I wanted it. It is a really interesting job, doing something that is one of those “once in a lifetime” things (that is rather more dramatic an expression than the job entails, but it makes sense in the context of what the job is). I could have stayed on where I currently work, but as a secondee I feel somewhat vulnerable and I was concerned that if I didn’t take this job that was being handed to me on a plate that I would very possibly end up kicking myself – for a whole variety of reasons.

The job is somewhere new geographically. I have worked in the same area for about ten years so I will be venturing out into new parts of London. It might also mean getting up earlier in the morning though, which is not quite such an appealing thought.

We’ve also booked various trips away. We are off to Lisbon next weekend. Neither of us has been to Portugal before, and we thought it would be a good place to go to try and get a bit of warm weather and some rest and relaxation. Then we’re going to Devon for Easter and Denmark in the summer. At the moment, we have only booked he flights to Denmark and need to work out where we are actually going to go once we have landed. Details, details…

One of the things I will miss about my current job is the somewhat unusual comments regularly made by one of my colleagues. I have no idea how this came up in conversation, but I have to say that she makes a good point, so I shall leave you with her latest gem:

“Personally, you couldn’t pay me enough to lick a toilet seat.”

Indeed.