I was talking to someone at work about my traumatic spider experience and she told me that she once worked with someone who had woken up in the night and found a spider up her nose. As if that wasn’t bad enough, she couldn’t get the spider out of her nose, however hard she tried. Eventually she had to go to hospital to get it removed and they had to flush her nose to clear out all the mess. Surely even the most fearless person would be utterly horrified by something like that?
Anyway, I was having a search on the weird wide web about how to deal with spiders. This was how to deal with them generally, not if they get stuck in nasal cavities *shudder*. Here was one helpful piece of advice:
“Unless you're overrun by spiders or deathly afraid of them, accept them. They devour less desirable bugs (flies, mosquitoes and a lot more), and they can be quite interesting to watch. Learn their names and find out as much as you can about them. Keep a journal.“
So, basically I need to make friends with them and then write a blog about it. Well, last night I decided to follow this wise advice and tracked down a visiting spider, or friend, as I know like to refer to him, and I thought I’d share it with you.
Me: Hi spider, thanks for dropping by. My name’s Random, what’s your name?
Spider: Hi. My name’s Bob.
Me: Hi Bob, nice to meet you. So what brings you here?
Bob: Just looking for somewhere new to lurk. I’ll maybe find a shadow somewhere. Just looking to hang about a bit and eat a few flies.
Me: Oh right, that must get a bit boring and lonely sometimes.
Bob: No not really, I’m thinking of moving the family in as well, what with you being so friendly.
Me: *looks nervous* The family?
Bob: Yes, just the wife and kids.
Me: *looks more nervous* The wife and kids?
Bob: Yes, there’s just a few of us, but did you know that with the breeding cycle of a spider, I could have generations of offspring numbering in the millions within a few years?
Me: *looks thoughtful* Really…
Bob: Did you also know that spiders can’t actually speak, what with them being arachnids? In fact did you know that what you are doing is giving me anthropomorphic qualities?
Me: You’re a clever little spider aren’t you?
Bob: *looks smug* I like to think so.
Me: *stamps on spider, instantly killing it* Not so clever now are you? *evil laugh*
Yes I found that extremely therapeutic, that was excellent advice. I must do it more often.
Please note: No spiders were hurt in the making of this production. Sadly.
London’s Alleys – Gunthorpe Street, E1
12 hours ago