Wednesday, November 12, 2008


Yesterday was a busy day and seemed to involve from one totally unrelated task to another. I had to announce the two minute silence across the building and that went really well. I hate doing it because the message goes out to over 1000 people and some of them are very important (well they all important obviously, but in an Animal Farm sort of way, some are more important than others) and if it goes wrong it is a *major* mistake. But it all went fine and various people said to me afterwards that I had done it really well, including me using my best BBC Radio 4 voice.

I got an e-mail from my old big boss yesterday. I had sent him a card on Thursday to say how saddened I was at D’s death and that he was in my thoughts because I was sure it would have been a great loss to him personally. He sent me back a really nice e-mail thanking me for the card and telling me how he and others in the office were coping and reminding me of when the funeral is. I do feel greatly saddened by D’s death and I was talking to G about it the other day and suddenly remembered that he did my leaving speech when I left the office and things like that just made me feel more sad. I think I just feel quite sombre about a few things at the moment.

There are many thoughts going round my head about the need to make life simpler. I think we often have so many demands on our time and thoughts, and with that comes all the stresses of those demands. I just think that somehow we should be able to avoid those conflicts and stresses of life. I think in part my thinking, and perhaps some of my general sombreness, is due to stuff still rattling on about what C said was the ‘truth’ about what happened with A etc. Despite the fact that I have no interest in discussing any of that stuff or putting the record straight, it seems to continue to have a negative effect, partly because C feels awkward about what she said and seems under the impression that I would therefore feel awkward if I saw her. Except I wouldn’t because a) I would only feel awkward if the things were true and b) I do actually have a level of maturity that is far more concerned about moving forward than dwelling on something that I can’t do anything about – and actually wouldn’t be fussed about doing anything about even if I could.

I suppose I find the whole thing quite tedious really and am wondering when we’re all going to just shrug our shoulders and decide that there isn’t actually a problem. I’m not in touch with A, we have no reason to come into contact with each other and I am happy to steer clear of situations where that might happen if it might cause other people upset. I haven’t got an issue with A and would be perfectly friendly and civil if we did happen to see each other and the same goes for seeing C. So I just find it incredibly boring to somehow be in a situation where people are not really sure what the next move is (C is actually away at the moment, so I am hoping that the next move is she will come back from holiday, we’ll meet up for a drink and simply move on) and yet somehow there is an ‘issue’. A sent me that e-mail over two years ago now (my, how time flies) and ended it by saying something like “let it go” and I am wondering why it is only me who is meant to be following that instruction. Most tedious and all rather unnecessary – and a continuation of how things currently are is actually far more likely to create an issue and provoke a discussion about what did actually happened. I can see nothing helpful coming from that conversation and can’t see the point in having it. I just hope that we can go for the simple option and indeed “let it go” and end this tedium.

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