Thursday, November 26, 2009

Power

I do feel much better now I have had some time off work, but I am coming to the conclusion that it has not really dealt with something more fundamental that seems to be going on at the moment. I just feel angry about so many things at the moment – and it rumbles below the surface and generally manifests itself in feeling very resentful of other commuters and other such pathetic things.

I don’t really know for certain why. I think some of it, maybe a lot of it, is down to feeling very out of control of a number of things in my life at the moment. Where I live the freeholder, who also owns the flat next door has been having worked carried out for 11 months. I repeat: 11 months. I find it very invasive and, whilst I have drawn issues to her attention in the past, she doesn’t really seem to care about the impact. So being at home can be trying and I often feel wary about what I will find when I get home when I just want to be left in peace and not to have my privacy invaded. But equally, I also need the freeholder to reply to various letters I have sent her to sort out my lease extension, but we have made no progress on this since August. As I type this, it does (literally) make me put my hands up in despair because I feel as though I can do nothing about these things. I get a certain sense of security out of where I live, but that seems to be slipping away.

Work is fine expect that people keep invading our work space, which probably wouldn’t bother me if I didn’t feel the same thing was happening at home, plus my contract runs out on Tuesday and, as yet, a new one has not been forthcoming. I also have to move offices at the beginning of the year and that has its own stresses, for reasons I can’t be bothered to explain.

A used to say that depression is anger turned inward. In some ways I would rather my response to these events manifested itself primarily (only) as depression. I am not suggesting that depression is preferable as such, rather that it is more insular rather than being something that is directed at other people. I have been feeling elements of this for ages and I had hoped that taking time off work would have made it a bit better, but I didn’t really think that it helped. I am just not really what the solution will be – if it mainly the result of feeling powerless about various things, I just don’t really know how to get that ‘power’ back so that I feel a bit more in control of my own life. If you were to bump into me, I don’t think you would think I was some seething ball of anger, on the whole I think I would appear to be rather placid, but I need to do something or my cover will be blown at some point.

8 comments:

TOM FOOLERY said...

I can relate to the 'powerless' feelings Random, but try not to let the little buggers get you down too much. Methinks you're a person who likes to 'tie up any lose ends' living with uncertain issues can be mighty draining on the old emotions. There'll be light at the end of the tunnel. If not buy yourself a generator!Create some noise ;-) Take care Tfx

Random Reflections said...

TF - Thanks. I appreciate your comment and clearly you have picked up a bit on what I am like! Perhaps I do indeed need to make some noise.

Sarah said...

I really appreciated this post. I have been at meetings this week to try and help my daughter. Ultimately there is nothing I can do except give permission for others to try and find funding for her to get the assistance at school that she needs.

Powerless? Check
Angry? Check
Depressed? Well, yeah.

I recognise what you describe: thank you for putting it into words. Hope you get some power back soon...

Kahless said...

You certainly dont come across as an angry person. You do in fact come across as placid.

i am not sure depression is anger turned inward. Actualy anger is positive (if expressed appropriately) as it is an active emotion. Depression is inactive. I have some therapist friends and they will say they would rather see depressed clients angry. Cos someone who is depressed is less likely to change.

I am sorry you are feeling like this. Depression can be self absorbing. Anger can be creative. Stick with the anger my friend and try and understand the source of it. Though I reckon you do know the source of it.

xx.

Kahless said...

And I am impressed with the way you have so much change in your life and seem to take in in your stride.

Change is stressful.

Is it the change that is niggling away?

Random Reflections said...

Sarah - Thank you for your comment. Actually, the very act of putting it into words and in some way articulating the things in my head was helpful and I feel a bit better. But it is still very much there below the surface.

I hope you manage to sort out the schooling issues for your daughter. That must be very distressing to feel that she might not get the support that she needs.

Kahless - Thanks for your comment as well. I appreciate you challenging that statement about anger and depression. I hadn't really thought about them in the way that you explained them and what you said makes a lot of sense.

I think I do know some/ most of the sources of anger and that seems to be on two levels - both the things that make me angry, and also the more fundamental issues that underpin that. Most of which seem to route back to some element of powerlessness.

Perhaps I need to find a more constructive way to express the anger.

As for change, I don't mind change so long as I feel as though it is positive and I can, perhaps influence it. My next project at work is all about change. My team is going to be working out how we (the office) can change the way we work to be more effective and more productive. As we are able to make decisions about that change (and I know that my motivations are good, as are those of the people in my team) that change doesn't worry me. It might mean some tough decisions, but ultimately they should benefit people.

There are aspects of the new project that concern me though, the primary one being my change in location. It means working in he same office as A - and this is not a good thing. *sigh*

Let's Kill Saturday Night said...

You know what your freeholder is, don't you ? A ratbag !

Random Reflections said...

LKSN - yes! An excellent use of such a marvellous word!