Desperate Times

With the advent of speed-dating, internet dating sites and seemingly most of the free London papers you get on the tube running columns where you can try and make contact with the man or woman of your dreams that you have spotted on the tube, you’d think that the lonely hearts ad was getting a bit too old fashioned for most. But it seems that it is still the ideal place for the eccentric to find the person of their dreams. Given my current lack of love life, I might have to resort to such things myself, although my advert would probably have to say something like “If you’re breathing you’ll do. So desperate that can’t even resort to using charm anymore (31).” I can’t imagine why I am still single.

Anyway, the London Review of Books has published a book of some of the more memorable lonely hearts ads that they have run over the years. I’m guessing that most of these people are still single, so if you think you may have found your soul mate then don’t be shy - send them a reply.

'List your ten favourite albums... I just want to know if there's anything worth keeping when we finally break up. Practical, forward thinking man, 35.'

'Employed in publishing? Me too. Stay the hell away. Man on the inside seeks woman on the outside who likes milling around hospitals guessing the illnesses of out-patients. 30-35. Leeds.'

'I like my women the way I like my kebab. Found by surprise after a drunken night out and covered in too much tahini. Before long I'll have discarded you on the pavement of life, but until then you're the perfect complement to a perfect evening. Man, 32, rarely produces winning metaphors.'

'Your buying me dinner doesn't mean I'll have sex with you. I probably will have sex with you, though. Honesty not an issue with opportunistic male, 38.'

'Are you Kate Bush? Write to obsessive man (36). Note, people who aren't Kate Bush need not respond.'

'Stroganoff. Boysenberry. Frangipani. Words with their origins in people's names. If your name has produced its own entry in the OED then I'll make love to you. If it hasn't, I probably will anyway, but I'll only want you for your body. Man of too few distractions, 32.'

'Ploughing the loneliest furrow. Nineteen personal ads and counting. Only one reply. It was my mother telling me not to forget the bread on my way home from B&Q. Man, 51.'

'Slut in the kitchen, chef in the bedroom. Woman with mixed priorities (37) seeks man who can toss a good salad.'

'Bald, short, fat and ugly male, 53, seeks short-sighted woman with tremendous sexual appetite.'

'Romance is dead. So is my mother. Man, 42, inherited wealth.'