Disappointments

Right, well, lets get this over with. I didn’t get the job, which I have to tell you is such a disappointment and I cannot tell you how gutted I was. I got a letter on Saturday morning and had to read it and go straight out, so I didn’t even have time to think about it properly. I am somebody who likes to process things and take time to think about them before talking about them. I sent G a text (as we were about to meet up and go over to my sister’s house) to say what had happened and that I didn’t want to talk about it and then just talk a bit of time to have a ponder.

They actually gave me feedback in the letter and it has to be said that the feedback was very positive and they said what a good candidate I was and how I demonstrated so many of the qualities that they wanted. Basically there were just a couple of things that I should have expanded on more and then this probably would have been a very different story. Actually after the interview I had realised I hadn’t said those things and the feedback was entirely in line with what I had thought, so it wasn’t a surprise and the annoying thing is that I had some very specific examples that would have easily illustrated the points. It’s strange how close elation and despair can be.

Whilst I was upset about not getting the job, I was even more upset about how nice the letter was. This was not one of your bog standard “sorry you didn’t get the job” type letters. It was really personal (the person who wrote it knew me) and she also said how much the head of department had wanted to contact me himself, but as he was on leave they wanted to let me know the outcome anyway. I was really touched by it and I think the head of department wants to speak to me (the letter does actually say to get in touch with him), so I’ll send him an e-mail when I am back in the office on Wednesday. I always find people being kind to me very upsetting and the way that office has dealt with this has therefore been very upsetting!

I have a few thoughts about it all, most of them are actually very positive. I think it can be easy to lose your confidence in this sort of situation, but actually I feel that what the process did is show I really could do that job and I just didn’t keep one small part of the interview focussed enough. This actually makes me more likely to apply if another job comes up there. I just need to keep my focus the whole way through the interview.

What it also proved to me was that my motivation for going back to the office was to do the work. The whole time I was applying, preparing for interview etc, my thinking to do with it was always about the job and what I would do if I got it. It was not about working in the same place as A again (apart from the occasional feeling of fear about potentially doing that!). I think it was important to me to know that and now I do. If I had got the job, I would have wanted us to be civil and if possible for us to be friendly with each other. My thinking about A as a person will always be positive and that will never change, regardless of the changes in my attitude more generally about the situation itself. But that was a side issue and not my motivation for applying. I knew all that in my head, but now, because of all that has happened, it has actually proven it to me and I actually feel pretty good about that.

I am decidedly unimpressed that I have to carry on with my current job though. What I do is interesting enough, but I don’t really care about it, whereas the job I applied for would have really mattered to me. I think it is going to be hard to get my focus back on my current job – and to be honest I think I am going to be keeping an eye out for another opportunity in that office and will just bide my time until then.

Having said all that, I take you back to my first point – I am gutted about not getting it. There’s a song that sums up how I feel. Possibly you won’t see any connection and I’m not sure I can explain it, but the whole feel of the song describes what not getting that job felt like. The song is “Here Comes the Flood” by Peter Gabriel.