Running

I had lunch with a friend the other day and we were chatting about what is happening with G at the moment, which she was suitably enthusiastic about and was really pleased for me. I also had a bit of a chat about my slight concerns about a potential impact on A. My friend just said to me “you owe A nothing, you have given every opportunity for the two of you to be in touch, but when things get difficult obviously A’s instant reaction is to run away and not face things. That’s not your problem”. I know that is true - although in reality I do in some ways owe A a lot, but not in the sense of having to pay back a debt, if that makes sense. In part I can understand why A has responded by running but it isn’t the way that I deal with things - everyone is different though. I actually cannot see what there is that is so terrible that requires A to run away but the decision to deal with things in that way is not mine to make. There is a part of me that just wants to say “why do you have to keep running? What would be the worst thing that could happen if maybe instead of running you just stopped and reached out?”

Anyway, I would never do anything deliberately to hurt A but the other day I realised that I cannot ask G to do something just to try and help out my ex. That would be decidedly weird and I would basically be prioritising someone who has refused to have anything to do with me for a couple of years, over someone who I am going out with. That’s not fair or reasonable – or a good foundation for a relationship! A is a very private person. I know that. I respect that. But I can't make unending sacrifices in my own life for someone who has clearly demonstrated that they want nothing to do with me, particularly if that negatively impacts on someone else. I love A very much and always will, the offer of my friendship doesn’t go away, but there is only so much I can do if it is all so one-sided.

There’s a song by the Goo Goo Dolls called ‘Name’ and for some reason it seems apt in the circumstance. The lyrics are here, but as with all songs it works rather better with the music. Anyway, in some small way it taps into whatever it is that has been in the back of my mind recently. There’s a lot in that song that resonates but maybe just in part it is my way of saying “You can trust me”.