So… today we return to a subject that you probably would have hoped I’d have done to death by now. But no, once again we return to the subject of A (the ex).
I was talking to G on the phone last night who yesterday had met up for lunch with C, who is a mutual friend with A, which caused a problem recently. G had not been impressed with the way this friend had dealt with a situation recently and so they talked about it and all is well now. Only while G and I were talking about it, it became apparent that this friend had told A that G and I were going out and had actually pointed out who G was. There are a few reasons why I don’t want A to know, some of which I won’t outline here, but I think I will still say enough to show why I am not veryhappy about it.
In the last year, not once have I attempted to contact A (and am still somehow the bad guy in this). I did what I was asked to do.
But here’s the thing:
If it were my choice I would still be in touch with A.
It doesn’t matter what you want.
When I found out that G knew someone who knew A, I was wary about G talking to this friend about it. G talked to C about it anyway.
It doesn’t matter what you want.
Before G spoke to C about it, I relented and said that it wasn’t fair for me to stand in the way of them talking about our relationship if they wanted to. But I asked that G didn’t talk to C about my ex. They ended up talking about A anyway.
It doesn’t matter what you want.
I didn’t want C to talk to A about me, to discuss who I was going out with, to point G out, to have some conversation about my life - when A has made it perfectly clear that our lives are totally separate, that I have no right to know what is going on in A’s life and presumably A has no interest in what is going on in mine. Admittedly I had never said that to C, but did I need to??
It doesn’t matter what you want.
I’ll tell you something else about this situation – no-one has ever stuck up for me in this situation. After we split up A was never willing to try and meet me half way, it all went A’s way. When it came to an awkward situation where A and I might have come into contact with each other at a leaving drink, C just stuck her head in the sand and did the right thing by A and totally ignored the fact that all she had to do was speak to me and she would have realised it wasn’t a problem anyway, as I wouldn’t have turned up in those circumstances. Then when G could have stuck up for me a bit yesterday and at least queried why it was necessary for C to have gone out of her way to talk about who I was going out with etc, G didn’t even query it. The only person to stick up for me is me – only I haven’t got a voice.
My opinion doesn’t matter. There’s no point in getting mad with C about it. It’s too late. The deed is done and cannot be undone. The thing that has always got to me about this situation is that I have no rights, no say in the situation at all. That feeling of utter powerlessness in it all is in some ways what makes the situation continue to matter to me – I hold out the hope that maybe one day I might get to have a bit of a voice. It’s not even an accusing or angry voice, it would just be good to have a voice for once and to maybe have some chance of what I would choose – which is to get my friend back.
But the fact still remains that my private business has been passed on in circumstances where I would have thought it was fairly obviously not the appropriate thing to do. But as ever it is always me who has to back down and be reasonable and say that it doesn’t matter in order to keep the peace. It would just be nice if for once somebody stuck up for me a bit in all this or took into account how it might impact on me. Maybe one day I’ll get a voice in all this. It would just be nice if someone actually heard me for once.
I was talking to G on the phone last night who yesterday had met up for lunch with C, who is a mutual friend with A, which caused a problem recently. G had not been impressed with the way this friend had dealt with a situation recently and so they talked about it and all is well now. Only while G and I were talking about it, it became apparent that this friend had told A that G and I were going out and had actually pointed out who G was. There are a few reasons why I don’t want A to know, some of which I won’t outline here, but I think I will still say enough to show why I am not veryhappy about it.
In the last year, not once have I attempted to contact A (and am still somehow the bad guy in this). I did what I was asked to do.
But here’s the thing:
If it were my choice I would still be in touch with A.
It doesn’t matter what you want.
When I found out that G knew someone who knew A, I was wary about G talking to this friend about it. G talked to C about it anyway.
It doesn’t matter what you want.
Before G spoke to C about it, I relented and said that it wasn’t fair for me to stand in the way of them talking about our relationship if they wanted to. But I asked that G didn’t talk to C about my ex. They ended up talking about A anyway.
It doesn’t matter what you want.
I didn’t want C to talk to A about me, to discuss who I was going out with, to point G out, to have some conversation about my life - when A has made it perfectly clear that our lives are totally separate, that I have no right to know what is going on in A’s life and presumably A has no interest in what is going on in mine. Admittedly I had never said that to C, but did I need to??
It doesn’t matter what you want.
I’ll tell you something else about this situation – no-one has ever stuck up for me in this situation. After we split up A was never willing to try and meet me half way, it all went A’s way. When it came to an awkward situation where A and I might have come into contact with each other at a leaving drink, C just stuck her head in the sand and did the right thing by A and totally ignored the fact that all she had to do was speak to me and she would have realised it wasn’t a problem anyway, as I wouldn’t have turned up in those circumstances. Then when G could have stuck up for me a bit yesterday and at least queried why it was necessary for C to have gone out of her way to talk about who I was going out with etc, G didn’t even query it. The only person to stick up for me is me – only I haven’t got a voice.
My opinion doesn’t matter. There’s no point in getting mad with C about it. It’s too late. The deed is done and cannot be undone. The thing that has always got to me about this situation is that I have no rights, no say in the situation at all. That feeling of utter powerlessness in it all is in some ways what makes the situation continue to matter to me – I hold out the hope that maybe one day I might get to have a bit of a voice. It’s not even an accusing or angry voice, it would just be good to have a voice for once and to maybe have some chance of what I would choose – which is to get my friend back.
But the fact still remains that my private business has been passed on in circumstances where I would have thought it was fairly obviously not the appropriate thing to do. But as ever it is always me who has to back down and be reasonable and say that it doesn’t matter in order to keep the peace. It would just be nice if for once somebody stuck up for me a bit in all this or took into account how it might impact on me. Maybe one day I’ll get a voice in all this. It would just be nice if someone actually heard me for once.
4 comments:
I know its hard and when your the "reject" (and I'm speaking from personal experience here) your right "it doesn't matter what you want". I think about doing the right thing til I'm blue in the face and it kills me having to do it sometimes but I still do it. Not everybody has the same morals.....
You probably won't see it like this at all, but you could always look at it from another angle: firstly, people will always talk. I would go so far as to say that it is human nature. What you think doesn't matter to C. That is because C will believe in the freedom to talk about what she wants, regardless of whether it may be insensitive or not necessarily the "right" thing for her to do. At the end of the day, you can't stop someone talking about you. Even if you had asked C not to pass that information on to A, C could just ignore that and that would be her right as a free individual. You just have to take the higher ground and not let anyone know that you are bothered.
The fact is, you are interesting enough for C to want to pass on this information. And while you think about A a lot (which is evident from your blog), this could almost be evidence that A thinks about you too, but because of your lack of contact (through no fault of your own of course), you have no idea. That C even thought to tell A could indicate that A and C have discussed you and so C decides that A would like to know. Even if that isn't true, the fact that C has chosen you as the topic of a conversation is actually a compliment (although a perverse one). I am sure that days pass where nobody gossips about me :) LOL
And finally, I know you feel powerless and that A is being terribly unfair by not wishing to have any contact at all with you.
1. Change your perspective again. I can't understand how you still want to heal the rift with someone who can be so careless about somebody else's feelings. The situation is complicated, yes, but A has been so closed to you that if I were in your shoes, Iwould be disgusted by his behaviour and glad to be shot of him. But we are all different so I appreciate that is just my reaction.
2. A may well not want to talk to you any more because of your power over him. So you are actually more powerful than you think. He has to shut you out entirely in able to feel that he has control over his emotions. Not a very mature way to handle something, but a common reaction and one you will probably not be able to change.
3. A may also not want any contact with you as this keeps him in the role of the victim. You feel you have been cast as the villain and that this is unjustified. His silence towards you may actually be read as agreement. If he talks to you again and you manage to pull back a friendship that negates his right to be seen as the one who was treated badly (whether that is true or not in reality is neither here nor there, it is about the portrayal of it and how others perceive the situation).
4. People like C who choose A over you, without even discussing it with you... drop them. There are a million other people out there whow will fill the gap they leave in your life and have a much more positive impact. Life is too short to entertain idiots like C.
And now I am spent. Dr Seuss will leave the building.
Chin up lovely xx
((((Hugs & Chocolate Easter egg coming your way)))
...
Stay strong TFX
Spudgy - Thanks. I can so relate to what you say. I do want to dothe right thing because then at least I'll have left myself with a bit of integrity in all of this - hopefully...
Bluesoup - your comment was really helpful and had given me much food for thought. I would maintain a friendship with C because it has a negative effect on G if I don't. Bit I know I can be a bit of a pushover at times and as for why I'd still want to be in contact with A, well that's the million dollar question... I have never made big claims about my sanity though!
TF - would you believe I still have an Eater egg left (actually you probably would wouldn't you...). Maybe I'll open it in a moment of decadence this weekend.
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