Perspectives

I’ve been trying to get my head round something I want to write here, so today is the day to give it a go – and be warned this is a *very* long post.

I have explained previously that there is a connection between my current, G, and my ex, A – something that really freaked me out when I found out because there should be no connection between them at all. They basically have a mutual friend (who I also know) and whilst I had hoped that it wouldn’t prove to be the case, as it turns out it has had a detrimental effect that there is this connection.

Basically this mutual friend was changing jobs and although G had previously been invited to her leaving do, we were both uninvited because A might be there. But not actually formally uninvited, it was actually done by G deliberately not being told the details of where the leaving do was etc. I was pretty put out by this for a number of reasons. First, G is being excluded from things because of someone I used to go out with. How can that be fair?

Second, G had mentioned the leaving do to me before the whole “uninviting” thing and I’d just instantly replied that I wouldn’t go because there was a reasonable likelihood A would be there. G had accepted that and it was fine as far as we were concerned. I wouldn’t mind seeing A in the slightest if I thought we would be civil to each other but I have no desire to go somewhere that might mean we end up in really awkward circumstances – and potentially ruin someone’s leaving do. The thing that bothers me though was the assumption that I am a problem by turning up at a leaving do, that just my very presence was an issue. I don’t know whether that was because there was an assumption that I would do or say something that I shouldn’t or if I was just not welcome, but unwelcome indeed I was – and so was G. This is a *really* good friend of G’s and so I think that was particularly harsh. I don’t mind missing someone’s leaving do, but I don’t think G should be left out because of someone from my past.

I don’t have a problem with someone being loyal to their friend – and do you know what? I am actually very loyal to A myself, even after everything. I don’t have an issue with someone trying to do the right thing by their friend, but this wasn’t the way to do it. It’s not dealing with the problem and instead hoping that it will all go away if you just stick your head in the sand. By not talking to G about it, we could both actually have turned up at the drinks anyway (because someone else had mentioned to G where they were) and then whatever this scenario was that was meant to be avoided could have happened by default. The sad thing is that I think it has damaged G’s friendship, which is just so needless.

There are other side-effects of it as well. I don’t know many of G’s friends, but the one I do know reasonably well basically indicated that I wasn’t welcome. That in itself is not a nice thing – that’s rejection, which is never pleasant. The other thing is that it makes me wonder what on earth she knows that makes her think I have to be banned from something? Have I been painted as some totally unreasonable or nasty or pathetic or stalker like person? Or some combination of all these things? Whatever it is, I guess it can’t be a very great picture that has been given of me – and I will still have to face her at some point unless I refuse to spend time with G’s friends, which isn’t an option. Incidentally, I don’t want to know what she has been told about me and will never ask. I have no desire to give my “side of the story”. I also know that G has never discussed it with this friend and wouldn’t. It’s just not great to think that someone knows potentially negative things about you.

Anyway, that leads on to another point though - if someone who already knows me sees fit to exclude me from something then what picture must that paint to G’s friends who either don’t know me or only vaguely know me? It doesn’t put me in a great light. So I basically feel that because of someone I used to go out with and who refuses to speak to me (even though I have tried to be amicable), I am having to prove myself to people who it should have no bearing on whatsoever. Great.

Another thing it demonstrates to me though is that if you just avoid dealing with things, it doesn’t mean that it goes away. Just because A refuses to speak to me it doesn’t mean that there is no issue to be resolved and just because someone else hopes that by not explaining the details of a leaving do that will be sufficient to avoid what might be an awkward situation, doesn’t necessarily make that the case.

How could this have been avoided? Well, most obviously A could just speak to me and then there isn’t an issue anyway. Alternatively the friend could have just explained the problem and then actually have realised that it wasn’t an issue anyway, as I wouldn’t turn up for a drink if I knew A was going to be there. I don’t actually deliberately put myself in situation where I am going to see A. I spoke to A if we saw each other on the street (for all the good that it did) but I never actively sought out a meeting between us.

Yes I sent a few e-mails as well- and I still don’t think that was the wrong thing to do. Not only did A and I have a relationship but A was actually my best friend and when the relationship came to an end I therefore lost my best friend as well. I could make many comments about the whole friendship side of it, about the promises A made etc, but I guess it makes no difference now. The thing I will say though is that the reason A was my friend and subsequently my best friend and we then had a relationship is that A is someone who I genuinely like and no matter what that will always be the case, as pathetic as that may sound.

The other thing that made me send an occasional e-mail was that I always knew the initiative would have to come from me. I knew A pretty well and that A’s instinct is to flee from difficult things, so I just tried to hang in there in the hope that even if A never took the initiative that maybe replying to an e-mail might be easier. But then almost a year ago now A sent me an e-mail that basically brought all communication to an end – and yet even so, I still have to defend myself; I have to explain to G why we are not welcome at a good friend’s drinks; I have to search through my mind for anything that I think A could possibly accuse me of and talk to G about it, to ensure that there is not something that undermines our relationship if I am cast as some terrible person. I’m not suggesting that I was blameless in what happened with A, but I did try to deal with things and to be amicable and I’m not going to apologise for trying to stick up for what I wanted, even if that was at odds with what A wanted.

To me what it comes down to is perspective. A could have painted me as the worst person ever and yet I could explain exactly the same circumstances from my perspective and each of us could gain equal amounts of support for our point of view (not that I am looking for people to be on my “side”). What makes the difference is the context in which you explain it. When we split up, A and I were going through different circumstances and also chose to deal with things differently. That changes each of our perspectives and how we might explain what happened. A probably thinks I was unreasonable, but equally I could say the same about A. I don’t say this to apportion blame, it’s just to highlight that what it comes down to it different people deal with things in different ways and that’s always been the basic issue here. Do I hope that one day that A will be willing to move towards something more amicable? Yes. Do I think that will actually happen? I have no idea, but I hope that A now looks back and knew me well enough to remember some of the good in me and that I keep my word which included saying that I would always be a friend.


I just don’t want that relationship, which to me was a good relationship and had a lot of positives in it, to be one that causes problems for either of us after all this time, but to a degree that isn’t within my gift. I'm not trying to be profound, I just sometimes wonder why this situation can't be resolved, I would reach out my hand to my friend if I thought it wouldn't start some new big argument, but I have nothing to suggest that A would be any more welcoming of me getting in touch than previously. I did as A asked and have not been in touch for nearly a year and yet still I am somehow being made out to be the bad guy here. Whatever I do, I seem to get a raw deal and that doesn't strike me as entirely fair. It would just be nice if A would meet me half way for once and we could move on to something a bit more positive.