Pondering

My head of unit managed to do her usual trick of starting the day yesterday by saying that finishing the work she wanted was absolutely vital and it just had to be done. No excuses. But by the end of the day there was no such urgency and she said we’d sort it out today instead. It’s not some great management technique on her part with her thinking that pressure is a great incentive. If that were the case then the first time she did it would rather show her hand and she would then just be impossible to believe. Actually… people don’t ever believe her but that’s because they know how unreliable she is and that she will just change her mind about something if she suddenly decides something else is more of a priority. It’s a weird way to work and not one that I think (hope) I will ever get used to.

One of the things that has been affecting my mood of late is that now (well a couple of days ago actually) is the anniversary of when A and I last saw each other (on civil terms at least). We did stay on speaking terms for a couple of months afterwards but the last time we both ‘willingly’ saw each other was the middle of August. A promised that we’d work something out, that we’d see each other again, that our friendship would survive. Evidence suggests that this wasn’t entirely accurate. I know this will pass and it’s more that it’s a kind of sadness at the back of my mind and it just reminds me of things, brings them more to the surface.

I’m not one to automatically assume that because something happened once that it will always be the case. But because what A said didn’t turn out to be the case, it makes me more wary. That was a big loss to bear, a loss that has never gone away. It perhaps makes me slightly less willing to take a risk or to put myself in a situation where someone else might do the same, harder for me to believe that they won’t actually go away. Who wants to go through a long drawn out process if the outcome is inevitable? Listening to false comforts, hoping against hope that they are true. It’s judging that though – how well do you really know someone to take the risk? How much do you trust them – and on what do you base that trust? Those are the things I turn over in my mind sometimes, having to fight that instinct to protect myself. Usually successfully but if it is a fight, then surely the outcome is not always a given? So I mull things over and in my usual ponderous way move forward. Thinking. Learning. Healing.