Sanity returns

My sanity seems to be on the mend. It might well have been enhanced by a bank holiday weekend, but it’s an improvement nonetheless. I think my poor brain had had enough of various things and needed a bit of time to rest and recuperate.

The stuff with A will continue to make me sad because that is just the nature of having lost someone who was, and still is, that important to me. Whilst there is that part of me that thinks it would be better for me just to draw a line under it all and accept that we are never going to get back on to civil terms, it just doesn’t sit right with me to do that. You don’t give up on someone just because it hurts.

Sometimes I look at my life and am surprised by how few regrets I have. Surprised, I suppose because as someone who is kind of risk averse I might expect to have wished I had done all sorts of things differently- but actually I don’t. That sort of motivates me with the stuff with A because I don’t want to make a decision that ultimately I would regret. Last week I said about how A had promised that our friendship would survive all the turmoil and I suppose I still await that day. It’s funny because I don’t actually distrust A even though so much time has passed with no progress having been made. I think I just tend to prefer to take people at their word and still await the day when we do actually manage to resolve things. Naïve I know, but I’d prefer to be like that than really cynical about people. Any wariness about relationships with other people isn’t actually because of what happened with A. It’s just my nature rather than having been ‘damaged’ by the way things turned out between us – because actually I don’t think I have been. Saddened yes, damaged no.

I’ve managed to make some progress on a few bits in my life and going to Russia at the end of September gives me something to look forward to. Last week was an interesting time as well in that a good friend told me of some rather unplatonic feelings towards me. Being my usual bumbling self, I think I just replied by saying something slightly stammering along the lines of “Ok. Thanks very much”, but I can’t say I have vast experience of people telling me that basically they’re in love with me and given that I am sometimes a bit rubbish at processing my own feelings about such things, sense will probably have prevailed by the time I work out what I feel in return. But I feel sort of honoured that someone would think about me like that and, despite knowing me and my many failings, hasn’t run away screaming. Maybe there’s hope for me yet!