Wednesday, December 13, 2006

The Art of Communication

On the flight back from the Gambia I was watching the film “You, Me and Dupree”, which as it turned out was actually a better film than I had expected it to be. However, as I was watching the film, I felt frustrated by it because the husband would have had a much better time of things if he had just actually talked to his wife about what was going on instead of trying to fix everything on his own. I know that the film is a comedy and also a major part of the plot would have been missing if they just sat down and talked about it over a cup of tea, but I was on a flight and had time on my hands. That’s my excuse and I’m sticking to it...

Anyway, when I see things like that it always reminds me of how important I think communication is. That may sound like an obvious point, but one of my greatest frustrations is poor communication between people. I see it at work a lot - if we were able to talk about things and people could air their concerns then they would be dealt with much quicker, but instead we are hit by a wall of silence and morale just sinks. I try and take time to find out how people in my team are doing , but if I then try and get answers to issues for them I find that it falls on deaf ears and people more senior are just not interested.

I think over the last several months I have seen how not communicating properly (or at all) really frustrates me. Of the two friends who things ended up a mess with of late the first said she never wanted to hear from me again and the second just went absolutely silent (and I still have no idea why).

Looking at that first situation, obviously there is a certain amount being communicated by the fact someone has said never to get in touch. I am still not entirely sure why we suddenly went to a situation where I was told in no uncertain terms not to make contact and that I was being stubborn and controlling to have been in contact to that point. My jaw absolutely dropped at that because I wasn’t being stubborn or controlling, as far as I was aware we’d had a run in but were going to try and sort it out, but I *think* (although only in retrospect) that my friend must have thought she’d already said something about not being in touch. Except she hadn’t. The only reason I found out quite how serious things were was via a third party and so I got in contact and said “er... hang on... what’s going on?” or words to that effect. At which point I got the rather vitriolic reply as outlined above.

I could easily turn round and accuse my friend of being controlling and so on for ‘dictating’ whether we can be in contact or not, but I suspect she would see it as “taking control” rather than being controlling. It’s all about perspective, I guess. I don’t say that because I do actually see my friend as controlling but more to illustrate that the very things I was accused of were exactly what she could have been seen as doing and it’s easy to accuse people of things when maybe with a wider perspective or a bit of empathy for where the other person is coming from, it all seems a bit different.

But the thing is that if you refuse to communicate then you don’t ever get that perspective. You never get to hear the other person’s point of view and all you have is whatever perspective you get from filling in the blanks from your own imagination. You never get to tie up loose ends, you don’t have the chance to explain, and you don’t have the opportunity to put your side of things.

It just doesn’t strike me as the most helpful way of dealing with things. Instead of taking a bit of time and space to pause for breath and to try and be rational, ultimatums were given. Sometimes a bit of time helps to fix things and sometimes it just shows that there is nothing left, but at least you have that opportunity to work it out. However, instead the decision was based (at least in part) on miscommunication and anger, which aren’t the greatest help in making an objective decision.

There are times when I think it would help if I explained things to my friend from my perspective (I’m not entirely sure *who* it would help though!), not necessarily to bring about some grand reconciliation, but just because it gets rid of misunderstanding. I have managed to get some real clarity on things in my own mind and I reckon my friend might actually be interested in what I have realised and find it helpful, but I would never get in touch because I have already been accused of things that aren’t even true and I just end up adding fuel to the fire by making contact. I was also kicked in the teeth enough already and have no particular desire to be rejected again. My friend would also have to majorly back down to make contact with me and that is quite a big thing to have to do (not that I think she actually does want to get in touch). I’m not the sort of person who would throw it back in someone’s face if they did get in touch, but pride can be a big thing and sometimes you can feel as though you have so clearly said what you want that there is no way back. In the grand scheme of things my explanations and thoughts on the matter don’t make any difference anyway. But I do still scratch my head at what was actually constructive about banning all communication.

The second situation is just plain weird. I was getting on just fine with my friend and we’d recently spoken on the phone and that was all perfectly normal and we exchanged texts and an occasional e-mail - but then suddenly there was nothing. That definitely made me scratch my head and I wondered if I had offended my friend somehow, but if I did I can’t think how. If I upset my friend then it wasn’t deliberate but that’s the thing, it’s just speculation on my part. It may well be some completely different reason that caused my friend to go silent, but I just have no idea. The lack of communication means that I will never know. Although having said that, with my recent history of receiving scathing e-mails, I am not sure I want to know if the reason is critical of me!

I’m sure many a war has been started or a heart broken by miscommunication and it just strikes me that things would be much less complicated if we were just a bit better about finding ways to constructively talk about things and to resolve them. Whether that resolution is one of reconciliation or going separate ways.

I am someone who likes to be at peace about things and with other people. I have learnt to my cost the long term impact of not resolving situations and not forgiving people (the situation with my father being a prime example of this) and so I am now always willing to leave the door open to some kind of resolution, even if reconciliation is not possible. But that is reliant on communication of some sort and in both those recent friendships I guess actions spoke louder than words.

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