The End of the Affair

The decorating is finished! Unless, I notice some bits that I have missed… But I’ve been very thorough and looked back over every wall and door etc and filled in any slightly dodgy looking bits. I am quite impressed with it and the hall is now much lighter and fresher looking and I feel as though the hard work was worth it (but I still hate decorating).

My only concern is the quality of some of the paint I used. On the walls I used Dulux paint but on the ceiling and doors I used Homebase paint. The difference between those paints was really noticeable when I was applying it. The Dulux paint was just much better quality and were I to do it again (!) I would use Dulux paint for it all (well maybe not the ceiling because that is a long way away and therefore less noticeable). I also used some special Dulux paint called “light and space”. To be honest I can’t really tell you whether it made a huge difference – the hall was darker (a deep peach) and is now a light cream colour so it is going to be lighter anyway, but it certainly seems quite bright and airy but it might have seemed like that anyway.

People who are in my life generally know that my heart is spoken for and the person in question is a Mr John Lewis. Normally I love him and can do know wrong. G has even questioned whether I am having an affair with him – I talk about him a lot, his number is programmed into my phone, I regularly receive phone calls from him, and I am often talking about checking out what he has to offer. But let me tell you people, the affair is OVER. In fact, I am even considering expressing my disappointment and disillusionment with John Lewis by way of a letter – yes, it is *that* serious.

So what has Johnny done to upset me so much? Well, it’s a few things. First, there was the damaged desk about a month ago. So I had all the hassle of taking it back and getting a new one, which took about a week to arrange. Then my dishwasher was due for delivery from them yesterday and they were due to deliver some time between 3 and 9 pm (!). They turned up just gone 3pm so that was great and they brought the dishwasher in and put it in the kitchen and then were heading for the door and just asked me to sign the paperwork as they were leaving.
“So…” I said “what is happening about installing it?”
“Oh we don’t install them” the man replied
“But I’ve paid for you to install it” I said
He scanned his paperwork. No record of it.
“Can you show me your paperwork please?” He replied.

Despite where I live being a complete state I did manage to easily locate the paperwork and show that I had paid for it to be installed. So he called his mate back from the van and they installed it for me and off they went. Great or so I thought. Although it did cross my mind that he had perhaps lied to me by saying they don’t install them – what with actually having installed it for me. But that might just be an extra thing the delivery men do if they have made a mistake and not technically their job though.

Anyway, I then set it all up and fill the dishwasher with dirty dishes and put it on. Two minutes later it stops and an error comes up. I check the error and it means that either the sink spigot is blocked or that the water hose has not been correctly laid or is bent or squashed. I pull the dishwasher out and have a look at the back and then try running it out on the middle of the kitchen so that there is no chance of the water drain hose being bent or squashed. The same error comes up. I try various things and still with no success. I phone John Lewis and get put through to the Service Department. I explain the problem he says that sound like an installation problem but I need to speak to Large Electricals. He puts me through to someone else I ask for Large Electricals she asks what I need to speak to them about and then promptly puts me back through to the Service Department again. I explain the problem to the chap there and he asks me various questions such as have I checked if the sink spigot is blocked or there is a problem with the water drain hose. I tell him I don’t even know what a sink spigot is, but that I know the water drain hose is not constricted. He says he’ll look into it and call me back – I have heard nothing since.

It just strikes me that Mr John Lewis is not performing. Let me point out his inadequacies:

- There was no record of me paying for installation.
- When they installed it, they didn’t actually test that it worked. When I had a washing machine and a cooker installed (not by John Lewis I might add, both were from independent retailers) the installers tested them and checked that they worked before they left.
- I have no idea what a sink spigot is and searched for it on the internet so that I could see if it was blocked but I could find nothing that explained exactly what it was. According to the chap at John Lewis it is where the dishwasher joins the water supply but there are two pipes that come out of the dishwasher and have various connections and I don’t know which is which. Using terms that it isn't possible for a layman to know what it is is pointless.
- BUT I paid for someone else to install it because I don’t know how to install a dishwasher – that’s why I paid for someone who *does* know to do it. If I end up having to fix the installation, what exactly did I pay for??
- Getting passed from pillar to post does not impress me and not getting a phone call back impresses me even less. If I had taken only yesterday off work, I would have no chance of getting this sorted in the near future, but time is ticking away Mr Lewis, tomorrow I am going away for a few days and I want it fixed before then!

Mr Lewis the affair is over. I might occasionally spend time in your company. Run my hands over your goods. Look at you wistfully. But I shall treat you with a healthy scepticism from now on, I shall expect nothing better of you than I would of Argos or Currys: Yes, I’ve said it and I hope that hurts. I showed you loyalty, I lavished money on you and in return you just showed me disdain. Well let me tell you hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. It’s a good job you don’t sell pets because your bunny rabbits would be in serious trouble*.




*no animals were hurt in the making of this production.