Everything you ever wanted to know about embalming but were afraid to ask

So, my dad’s cousin died recently. It’s not something that had much of an impact on me, as I didn’t really know him. I think I might have last seen him about 15 years ago.

Anyway, it was his funeral earlier this week, but no ordinary funeral because he was more than just a man- he was a Catholic priest. I should explain that I have a decided fear of anything Catholic, mainly due to my granny saying to me many times as a child “You are going to burn in hell because you’re not Catholic”. Nice lady.

I’m not sure if they normally do this for priests, but he was also a Bishop of some place I have never heard of, and in order to mark his death there seems to have been an official mourning period which included his body lying in state. Which meant they had to embalm him… My dad did ask if I wanted to go and view the body. After giving him a totally aghast look, I politely declined.

On Sunday, I was quizzing my mum about how you embalm someone and neither of us was entirely sure. So I did some research. Not for any particular reason, I just wanted to know. There are a lot of people out there who know way too much about embalming.

I was heartened by some of the process though. It seems first they need to check that they’ve got the right person. I think it would be slightly embarrassing if they muddled up your beloved grandmother with a Chihuahua for example. Oh no hang on that’s taxidermy isn’t it? Your grandma definitely would not be impressed to go through that process...

Anyway, then it seems they check the person is dead. I find that comforting. Waking up from a deep sleep and finding them injecting you with embalming fluid and putting foundation on your face would be enough to kill you.

Next they set the persons features and try and make them look as natural and relaxed as possible. As natural and relaxed as possible, what with them being dead.

Then they inject them with embalming fluid, wash them, put some make up on them and dress them in clothes. I guess as a priest he was dressed in his official robes - and was then ready for lots of people to view him. My mum and I were pretty convinced that at least one person would comment that he looked even better now he was dead than when he was alive.

I wasn’t really sure how long the embalming process lasted and as this is meant to be the definitive guide to embalming I thought I’d better find out. So I phoned my friend who knows about these things and asked her. I asked her something totally banal to begin with, which was something like what she was having for lunch, and then asked “If a body is embalmed how long does it take to decay?” This was greeted by rather a large amount of laughter and a “Do you really want to know the answer to that?” I assured her I did and she got out her manual on such things and looked it up for me. She had a whole chapter on embalming and told me that, as it is basically done for cosmetic reasons, it normally only slows the decomposition process down by two or three weeks, so if you were to exhume a body after a year or so the difference would be negligible. Do you see how hard I try to find out this information for you?

Regardless, I have to say that the embalming doesn’t really appeal, nor being buried for that matter. I think cremation is probably the way for me, not that I am planning on this happening for some considerable time - or will have much of a say when it comes to it. Mind you, if they did embalm me some of the *many* mourners might say I looked even better dead than alive, but I say how can you improve on perfection?