A cure for bird flu

I don’t really know what to make of all the stuff on bird flu. I think the bulk of any panic will be because if/ when it reaches the UK, people will think that they can catch it. My understanding is that unless they are in regular contact with birds it isn’t possible to get it and that at the moment human to human transmission is not possible. I suspect some people will panic though and will start to report to doctors if they get anything vaguely cold or flu-like. Of course the Daily Mail really got to the heart of the issue when bird flu reached Turkey (the country rather than the bird) and their front page headline was about whether it was still safe to go there on holiday. Yep because that is what was important. Words fail me...

The other day I read that bird flu has now been transmitted to a cat in Germany, which made me wonder if it is possible to predict the future pattern of transmission based on the nursery rhyme “There was an old lady who swallowed a fly”. Obviously this is based on my vast scientific knowledge gained from my Biology and Chemistry GCSEs that I took over a dozen years ago.

The woman ate various things, including a spider (eek!), but she then ate a live bird, which I would think in the current climate would be unwise and would greatly increase your chances of getting bird flu. Then she ate a cat, a dog, and a goat, followed by a cow and a horse. All live, and therefore presumably whole, so it must have been quite a task. Anyway, if we follow this pattern I think we can clearly predict that dogs will be the next creature to fall prey to bird flu, followed by a goat, cow and then a horse.

However, as you may recall it was the horse that finally killed the old woman. So if you decide to follow this eating pattern, then it seems like a potential way to avoid bird flu, what with it killing you by eating all the animals. I suspect you would probably not make it to the horse anyway - if the dog doesn’t get you, I reckon a whole live goat would.

So in fact not only are we now potentially able to predict the future onward transmission of bird flu but we also have a cure - because the least of your worries will be bird flu following this diet. If this turns out to be the future transmission pattern of bird flu, you heard it here first...

Disclaimer: the above diet is not recommended and should not be attempted without full consultation with a medical professional. Might I suggest a psychiatrist?