Missing

What has happened to the weather? It has got so cold. It is also not conducive to my new fitness regime. I did still walk a lot of the route home last night but it was not particularly nice walking in freezing rain and occasional sleet (it was fine when I set off, maybe I walked further than I thought). I may be less willing to do this if the weather is the same again tonight.

While my friend was staying at the weekend I talked to her about my latest thoughts on relationships. I was explaining about my initiative to try and start thinking about things that I like/ appreciate about people (but not in a way that is really lecherous because that would just be creepy). She thought it was a good thing and would hopefully get me out of this somewhat dry spell in dating. The thing is that by doing this it taps into that part of me that I try very hard to keep in check, which is the part of me that knows that I really want to have a relationship. Not that I didn’t think that I did but if you totally repress these feelings then it is much easier not to feel the pain of disappointment!

The other day I said that one of the things that I miss is knowing that it matters to someone else whether I love them or not (meaning am in love with them). I really need to try and explain that better at some point.

I was thinking that I also miss that thing of looking at someone you’re going out with and just thinking how much you really, really fancy them. When we were going out, sometimes A would wear this red jumper - there was nothing particularly special about it, it was just a red fleecey type sweatshirt. Anyway, every time A wore it, without fail I would end up doing a kind of double take and would always think “I really, really fancy you”. I think there is just something really great about looking at someone who you’re going out with, who you think is pretty fantastic anyway and sometimes there are those moments where you are just reminded quite how much you fancy them. ‘Tis a jolly nice thing.

I’m not saying any of this in the sense that I feel sorry for myself. I think there is just a certain sense of anticipation of feeling those things again, because I’d sort of forgotten about them. It could be a bit of a trek to get there and the more I open myself up to the possibility of getting round to going out with someone and that I might actually find someone who is foolish enough to want to go out with me, well it could be a very long time. Sometimes anticipation can be a good thing, at other times it is just a drawn out agony. But if my anticipation was actually realised, well, I reckon that would be worth taking the risk of opening myself up to a bit of disappointment along the way. So I shall continue to make my tentative steps forward, which I think might involve trying to enlist the help of a couple of friends to see if they can come up with some suitors. I’m meeting up with a friend in a couple of weeks’ time, who is actually someone I used to work with and I might see if she has any suggestions. I need all the help that I can get.