I spent some time this morning going through my stuff and chucking bits out, deciding what I am going to take with me to the new place and what I will keep elsewhere.
Despite having moved so many times, I hadn’t remembered quite what a depressing process it is. Looking at all of my stuff and deciding what is important enough to keep with me and what I can live without for a while. Suddenly I feel a distinct sense of failure. At the age of 30 I am still living my life out of cardboard boxes moving from place to place. It isn’t really where I had expected to find myself at this age.
It’s not that I need to own property to feel that I have somehow achieved something, but finding somewhere permanent would also mean hopefully feeling that I belong somewhere and no longer having that vulnerability/ transience that goes with renting. Years ago my father, the charming man that he is, kicked me out of home for being a “loser” and a “disappointment”. The fact that all these years later I am still not settled anywhere and instead am looking at my possessions deciding what matters, maybe there is a bit of me that wonders if he is right?
I just keep looking at my stuff and thinking that in two weeks time it all has to be gone from here and so the decision on where it goes will have to be made.
2 comments:
I still have half my stuff, or 'tat' as the missus calls it, in boxes from my move over a year ago. To be truthful though much of it was already in boxes, having been originally packed up back in '97 prior to going round Europe and then re-packed back in '00 when I came back. What that says about me other than that I am a pack rat I don't know..
My mother said similar stuff to me btw the first time she threw me out. I would suggest that actually its our parents that are the 'disappointment' not us..
Thanks. I am hoping not to have my stuff in boxes for such a long time, but we’ll see.
I like to think that what my father said is more of a reflection on him than me, but sometimes there are moments of doubt. I would say that it is nice to know that I am not the only one with such a charming parent, but in the circumstances that probably isn’t the best choice of words. Thanks though.
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